We recently added a second cat to our household. As we introduced the new kitten to our original cat, the therapist in me started drawing parallels between their behavior and human behavior—especially when it comes to boundaries. For both humans and cats, boundaries create a sense of security, though cats have some more obvious ways to establish and communicate boundaries that we can learn from.

First, a quick review of what a boundary is and why it’s important. Personal boundaries are guidelines or rules we can set for ourselves or others within a relationship. The purpose of boundaries is to establish a framework of understanding and mutual trust to enable healthy interpersonal communication and safety. Boundary setting is a process of introspection and expression that takes practice and persistence. Let’s see what the cats have to teach us about this process!

When our two cats were first introduced, they were very cautious. Eyeing each other, circling around, and maintaining a great physical distance—neither trying to get closer to the other. From this we can learn, the need for boundaries is intuitive. For us humans, this intuition presents through emotions. Our emotions send us signals that direct and protect us, though it may be hard to recognize. If you have experienced feeling uneasy or that something was off putting or revulsive, this is disgust. Disgust might show up and say, “Hey! We don’t like that. Let’s do something about it,” thus signaling that we need a boundary. We can pay attention to this emotional response and ask ourselves what specifically may have caused the feeling, then ask ourselves questions. What made me uncomfortable? What would have felt better? This can then guide us to what boundary we need to set.

Cats have lots of physical indications like growling, hissing, twitching their tail, putting their ears down, or arching their backs to signal they need space or feel threatened. We learn here that boundaries must be communicated. While we can also use body language to communicate or interpret a boundary, our clearest way we can share our boundaries is through our words. Here are some examples of what you can say to establish a boundary:

“I’m not comfortable talking about that.”
“I can only stay for one hour.”
“No.”
“I can respect your opinion, but I do not agree and will no longer discuss this with you.”
“I don’t feel comfortable with you borrowing things.”

Over time, our cats began taking turns approaching the other, sniffing each other, and initiating play. While doing this they seem to look for one another’s signal to engage interest and comfort. This curiosity demonstrates that boundaries can be established by both parties. We can set our own boundaries AND we can be curious about what others feel ok with. We can do this by posing questions and listening to one another. Here are some things you can ask someone to determine what boundaries another person might have.

“What is your preference?”
“Do you have energy for this?”
“What do you feel comfortable with?”
“What time do you need to leave?”
“Can you help with this?”

As our two cats have been interacting on a more regular basis, they’ve grown more comfortable with each other. They don’t always slowly approach the other instead they might hide behind corners to pounce on one another and even groom one another. Here the cats teach us boundaries can have a natural progression. While certain circumstances, like trauma, can skew this development, overall humans have the capacity to do the same thing. As we build trust with other people, we may begin to feel safer in sharing information, spending more time together, or feeling comfortable being physically close.

There are still times when our two cats get into minor fights or seem to be sick of each other, so one will leave the room or move farther away. Depending on the day they may be excited to be around each other or keep their distance. Cats teach us boundaries are flexible, even with people we know and trust. If you’re ever feeling deeply uncomfortable, unsafe, or ready to be done somewhere—you can leave! If yesterday you felt ok doing something and today you don’t, you don’t have to do it. You can change your mind.

The topic of boundaries can feel complex, intimidating, or confusing at times, but establishing boundaries is something you are designed to do and therefore capable of doing! Nobody is entitled to your time, personal information, or emotional energy. Channel your inner cat and remember that!

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