Loving Our Bodies Piece by Piece

Sometimes we’re so negatively aware of our body image: weight, size, acne, too much dry shampoo, haven’t showered, how we look compared to “more successful” people our age, feeling a lack of beauty… the list of what we’re aware of goes on and on and on. And unfortunately, these secret thoughts that we usually keep to ourselves actually do a number on our psyche (our brains). All of a sudden, there can be a concrete belief that our bodies are somehow broken or bad. And that is REALLY tough to untangle. 

The hatred we have for our bodies so easily fogs everything else. The food you eat isn’t for enjoyment it’s only for surviving. It’s for determining what we want our bodies to look like. Clothes then become something you just need to cover your body instead of your style. It’s an effort to cover yourself and not call attention to yourself. The fog takes over our perception of ourselves, leaving us feeling isolated, embarrassed, and hopeless. 

Can you break it all apart? Can you be ok with the fog while simultaneously looking inside of it? Finding where you are? 

Each part of your body has carried you through something. 

As an example, I look at my legs sometimes, wishing they were different, until I remember how well they did walking day after day in Brazil for over a year. I think of my legs taking me to meet my now husband. I think of my legs walking me to the first day of graduate school. I often find myself going through each part of me, feeling grateful for all they’ve done as well as grief that my body had to go through hard things. 

Can you carefully and gently do this? Piece by piece? Think of your legs, your arms, your hands, your neck, your eyes… They all show up for you. They’re always there consistently. I can promise the fog will lift and you will get a break from the binding rope that is self hatred. 

Good job, body. We’re grateful for you.

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Alphabet Soup, Who Should I Work With?

If you haven’t been to therapy before (or even if you have), you might be confused about what all the letters behind the clinician’s names means and which ones are best. Here’s a little breakdown to help you make the most informed choice:

Clinicians with Master’s degrees can become:

LCSW (licensed clinical social worker): social workers are the most versatile and this field has been around a lot longer than specifically focused mental health counseling. Social workers are trained in macro (more systemic) and micro (on a smaller scale, such as individuals) level work. They are taught through the lens of how society impacts communities and are typically social justice oriented as a field. Social workers can provide lots of different types of care beyond therapy including case management, advocacy for vulnerable populations, foster care systems, and more. All of these roles can be completed with a Master’s in social work (MSW). A LCSW is someone who is licensed to practice individual mental health therapy. You might see an MSW who is also a therapist – the difference between a licensed and unlicensed therapist is that licensed therapists will have completed a certain number of hours (determined by each state) of experience providing care and passed the required licensing exams.

LCMHC/LPC (licensed clinical mental health counselor/licensed professional counselor): mental health counseling is a relatively newer field than social work. It is focused completely on mental health counseling and preparing therapists for work with individuals, couples, and families. There are differences between social workers and mental health counselors in that social workers can choose to focus on more community oriented work while mental health counselors’ coursework consists of diagnosis, psychology, and clinical placements during training. Mental health counselors are typically trained to help clients understand how they can individually implement changes when the people around them are not changing. 

What about the A at the end?

An LPCA or an LCMHCA is someone who has a temporary or provisional license. This doesn’t mean that they are on probation or on hold, it simply means they haven’t completed the required experience and testing to apply for full licensure. Associate therapists have completed their master’s degrees and taken their temporary license exam. Licensed clinicians have completed what ends up being about two years of hours working with clients and submitted the required materials to the licensing board for approval. 

LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist): marriage and family therapy is rooted in the belief that systems and relationships play a large role in our relationship with ourselves and others. Marriage and family therapists are sometimes called couples therapists, as well. They receive specific training in working with families as systems and on various relationships such as parent-child, partner relationships, etc. LMFT’s/MFT’s may have specific trainings for working with populations such as parent-child interaction therapy, families of disabled children, partners going through a divorce or children whose parents are divorced, etc. Similar to the above credentials, MFT’s are individuals who have completed their Master’s degree in a Marriage and Family Therapy program, but have not completed the amount of experiential hours and supervision required for licensure. AMFT’s are those who have completed their Master’s degree and received a provisional (see above) license to practice while they accrue more hours of practice.

All types of therapists can focus on a systems approach that values the importance of familial and other close relationships, the differences are in the focus. Therapists may choose one over the other based on location and availability of programs, desire to work with specific populations, etc.  

How about interns?

You might see that a practice lists interns as clinicians and wonder what that means. Internships in the business world and in many other fields don’t require a Master’s degree and consist of a lot of observation and shadowing. For counselor interns, they often work during their Master’s program either early on or after completing the required pre-requisite coursework to learn the skills needed in practice. Some schools have their students complete internships throughout the second year, some have a “practicum” experience, where they start off with a few hours of training before working as full-time interns, some have longer internships than others. What is important to be informed about is that while these clinicians have less clinical experience, they also provide many valuable advantages. For one, interns provide therapy at a significantly more affordable rate than associate or licensed clinicians. They also tend to have more space available for new clients. Interns also are supervised by a licensed practitioner, so you not only benefit from the intern’s knowledge, but also the advisement of the licensed supervisor. Finally, interns bring with them knowledge of newer techniques and practices, and an eagerness to learn and allow the clients to guide the therapy so they feel empowered. *Of course, associate and licensed professionals have their own advantages as well such as clinical experience and opportunities for trainings and development in the field. 

Doctors, are they better?

Not necessarily, but it is more about best fit for you. Doctors usually pursue their PsyD or PhD in a counseling related field because they have another interest such as research or academia (being a faculty member at a university). Most of the time, Master’s level clinicians can teach at the University level as adjunct faculty members (teaching one or a few courses), but typically, a PhD allows for status as a full-time faculty member. 

A PsyD is a psychological doctorate degree. It was created more recently (1970’s) to train clinicians who are interested in research, but mostly interested in clinical practice. This can include opportunities to learn how to supervise other therapists, to research and develop evidence based practices* PhD’s in counseling psychology, clinical psychology, counselor education, etc. are providers who have attended additional years of school and have more experience with more complex tests and assessments and engage in continued research through a doctorate program. 

Remember that any therapist can go through trainings that allow them to better meet your needs, so be on the lookout for that, as well!

So, which should I choose?

That is entirely up to you. What I encourage you to ask are these: what experiences do you have working with people who share the same difficulties / diagnosis as me? What kinds of therapy do you provide? What is your style of therapy: do you have a lot of homework and worksheets, do you like to do activities, etc.? What populations do you specialize in? Bring a list of questions to the first session or email your potential new therapist questions. Choosing the right therapist is all about finding out who fits well with your needs, and this can change over time. Research shows that it matters less what kind of therapy you do and more about how your relationship is with your therapist for the most effective care. Maybe it is important for you to find someone who shares openly about their shared identities or lived experiences. Maybe you want someone who looks like you or is around the same age as you. Maybe you want someone who uniquely understands your needs because of their own lived experience and identities (i.e. LGBTQIA+, disabled, fat, etc.). 

Most of all, find someone who you feel safe to open up to (maybe not at first, but whose personality you could see yourself jiving with) and whose style/approach to therapy helps you to meet your needs and your goals. Don’t be afraid to “shop around” and try new counselors as you find the right one for you.

*Evidence based practices are those that have been researched and shown to have a significant positive effect for a group of people. Evidence based practices do not work for every client, but there is enough evidence that it is a strong approach to treatment.

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Faith and Attachment

Whether we’re talking about the Christian God, Jewish Yhwh, or Muslim Allah, an interesting pattern emerges when we examine attachment styles. In faith systems that are more orthodox, legalistic, and generally more conservative, we find movement from anxious to avoidant attachment; neither of which is especially healthy.

To understand what I mean by this and what we need to do with this information, let me first introduce you to a woman named Julie.

Julie has been married for 4 years now. At first, her relationship was fun and exciting, but over time, her husband started to get controlling. She was never sure what his mood would be when he got home, so she’d make sure to get off work early and have everything clean and ready for him. They had a couple kids before Julie was ready because he said he was sick of waiting. With all the time she took off from work, she got fired, and her husband was furious with her and was then told to stay home with the kids. She thought she wanted to go back to school, but her husband said that’d be too expensive. Julie keeps doing all these things with the hope that her husband will finally be happy with her and quit be so demeaning.

Julie is displaying an anxious attachment style. In this form of relationship, the anxiously attached person doesn’t trust their own experiences and isn’t convinced they can be safe on their own. So, they must rely on someone else for safety. These relationships often feature gaslighting and/or codependency.

In short, anxious attachment = I’m not ok, but you are.

Oftentimes, a relationship from anxious attachment will become more and more entrenched in contractual affection; “if I do this for them, then maybe they’ll love me” or “then they’ll stop hurting me.” However, something drastically different can happen.

As you continuously try and fail and try and fail to keep your controlling partner happy, checking boxes to prove you are worthy of love, you can get a little… fed up. You may just realize your attempts to fulfill this contractual affection is a losing game; there is no way to keep all those boxes checked. So…

You give up.

Anxious attachment snaps and pivots, transforming into its opposite style, avoidant attachment.

In avoidant attachment style, you see the other person as no longer safe, only dangerous. You then are no longer unsafe, on the contrary, you see yourself as the only individual you can rely on.

If Julie’s attachment pivoted into an avoidant style, she’d likely divorce, and then set up a great big steel-reinforced boundary with her ex. Here’s the kicker though, Julie would be terrified of her ex. People that remind her of her ex, possibly relationships in general, would be avoided due to the knee-jerk traumatic reaction she experiences.

Attachment styles apply not just to romantic relationships. We can see identical reactions when we look at faith systems as I alluded to earlier.

Let’s say you belong to an orthodox Christian faith so you believe in God. The way you go about worship includes tithing, attending church every Sunday (and possibly several other days during the week), singing, volunteering, vows like that of chastity and avoiding mind-altering substances, etc. Now don’t hear me wrong, these actions are not inherently good or bad, the issues arise when we look at intent; why are you worshipping in these ways. Consider this carefully, if you do these things so you can prove you’re worthy of love or show God that you shouldn’t be smote in the face, you have contractual affection; anxious attachment.

Like Julie’s case, if you hang out in this anxious attachment for a while, you may get so entrenched in it that you’ll lose track of which way is Heaven and which way is Hell. You’ll rely blindly on church leaders, and you’ll lose your ability to effectively question (a necessary action for growth in any relationship). However, you may also find yourself giving up on checking all those boxes of righteousness and transforming your relationship into an avoidant style. If you find that you hold hatred and anger toward anything and anyone that reminds you of your old faith, or reminds you of what you were once taught about God, life, or humanity, you have an avoidant attachment.

Now, I have some rough news. Neither avoidant nor anxious attachment styles are healthy. They are marked with reactivity and painful emotional wounds. Both are bound to be problematic when it comes to connecting with others. So, what’s the fix?

Secure attachment.

In a secure attachment style, everyone has the ability to be safe until proven otherwise. In this state, we can share our insights, beliefs, philosophies, questions, doubts, and concerns without fear and while effectively presenting our boundaries. That sounds nice, doesn’t it?

The journey to a secure attachment can be rough and often requires you to deconstruct some old painful beliefs and boundaries to reconstruct something healthy, functional, and authentic.

If you have found that you are relating a bit too much to this blog post, and you are wanting to see about building a secure attachment, your best bet is to set up a session with one of our therapists.

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Anxiety/OCD can feel like...

Anxiety / OCD can make you feel like everyone secretly hates and is gossiping about you. It can feel like paranoia – reading into subtle face changes, shifts in demeanor, being constantly hypervigilant and on guard. This anxiety leads us to ask for reassurance, to avoid, and to do anything we can to soothe the thoughts in our brains. These are called compulsions. Compulsions are things we do repetitively to try to obtain certainty in a world where nothing is truly certain. They can be physical, like cleaning daily to make certain that no bugs will come in, or mental, like ruminating about what you said and how people reacted to analyze how they must feel. 

Anxiety / OCD can convince you that you aren’t likeable and that you shouldn’t speak. As conversations around mental health become more public, a consequence of this is that the symptoms are minimized and brushed off as “normal.” Just because seemingly “everyone” feels a certain way or reacts in a certain way does not mean it is healthy or helpful. For example, lots of people ask for reassurance (i.e. asking a friend if they are mad at you, just in case you did something to make them upset) and think this is “normal”. When understanding the term “normal” as shared with others or common, this is helpful because it reduces the shame feeling that we are the only ones struggling. But when we say something is “normal” in the sense that everyone does it and it doesn’t need to be addressed, this is where things get sticky. 

A big one that affects most people with anxiety is reassurance seeking. This is when we ask someone to give us reassurance or a sense of certainty, when we just cannot know. This can sound like: 

Asking a friend, “If I go outside, will I get COVID-19 and die?”

Asking a partner, “Will you ever break up with me or stop loving me?”

Asking a teacher, “Am I going to fail the course?”

Asking a counselor, “Am I going to get better after therapy?”

These are questions that no one can know the answer to for certain, but as humans who don’t like sitting in that discomfort, we try to ask. Ironically, the more we ask about it, the more uncertain we tend to become. The compulsion (reassurance seeking) doesn’t actually give us long-term relief. If it did, then we wouldn’t have to ask again. 

The way that we show up in relationships now is reflective of our earliest childhood interactions with caregivers. We learn that we cannot tolerate uncomfortable things from an early age, we learn to try to seek certainty because it feels better than living in the present and the unknown. Just like we learn from those early relationships, we also unlearn and heal through relationships. This can look like a therapeutic relationship or a friend or a partner, etc. We are not taught to welcome all of our emotions, to sit with uncertainty, to understand that we are both interdependent and also not responsible for making other people feel happy or good. 

When the urge arises to ask for certainty, consider a few things. Can I really know the answer to this / can anyone really give me a certain answer on this? Am I doing this because I am genuinely wanting to make amends and understand how another person is feeling, or is it because I want to stop feeling uncomfortable? Accepting uncertainty is hard, it is not our default mode when we have grown up believing that pain is to be avoided at all costs and that we need control in order to keep us safe. 

When the anxiety arises, and you begin to feel like you shouldn’t speak or that people are mad at you or that these feelings of discomfort are unbearable, may we practice sitting inside of those feelings before we act on quick urges. Remind yourself in notes, affirmations, the way you treat yourself — despite your thoughts, your voice matters and you are valued.

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What We Learn About Boundaries From Cats

We recently added a second cat to our household. As we introduced the new kitten to our original cat, the therapist in me started drawing parallels between their behavior and human behavior—especially when it comes to boundaries. For both humans and cats, boundaries create a sense of security, though cats have some more obvious ways to establish and communicate boundaries that we can learn from. 

First, a quick review of what a boundary is and why it’s important. Personal boundaries are guidelines or rules we can set for ourselves or others within a relationship. The purpose of boundaries is to establish a framework of understanding and mutual trust to enable healthy interpersonal communication and safety. Boundary setting is a process of introspection and expression that takes practice and persistence. Let’s see what the cats have to teach us about this process!

When our two cats were first introduced, they were very cautious. Eyeing each other, circling around, and maintaining a great physical distance—neither trying to get closer to the other. From this we can learn, the need for boundaries is intuitive. For us humans, this intuition presents through emotions. Our emotions send us signals that direct and protect us, though it may be hard to recognize. If you have experienced feeling uneasy or that something was off putting or revulsive, this is disgust. Disgust might show up and say, “Hey! We don’t like that. Let’s do something about it,” thus signaling that we need a boundary. We can pay attention to this emotional response and ask ourselves what specifically may have caused the feeling, then ask ourselves questions. What made me uncomfortable? What would have felt better? This can then guide us to what boundary we need to set.

Cats have lots of physical indications like growling, hissing, twitching their tail, putting their ears down, or arching their backs to signal they need space or feel threatened. We learn here that boundaries must be communicated. While we can also use body language to communicate or interpret a boundary, our clearest way we can share our boundaries is through our words. Here are some examples of what you can say to establish a boundary:

•  “I’m not comfortable talking about that.”

• “I can only stay for one hour.”

• “No.”

•  “I can respect your opinion, but I do not agree and will no longer discuss this with you.” 

• “I don’t feel comfortable with you borrowing things.”  

Over time, our cats began taking turns approaching the other, sniffing each other, and initiating play. While doing this they seem to look for one another’s signal to engage interest and comfort. This curiosity demonstrates that boundaries can be established by both parties. We can set our own boundaries AND we can be curious about what others feel ok with. We can do this by posing questions and listening to one another. Here are some things you can ask someone to determine what boundaries another person might have.

• “What is your preference?”

• “Do you have energy for this?”

• “What do you feel comfortable with?”

• “What time do you need to leave?” 

• “Can you help with this?”

As our two cats have been interacting on a more regular basis, they’ve grown more comfortable with each other. They don’t always slowly approach the other instead they might hide behind corners to pounce on one another and even groom one another. Here the cats teach us boundaries can have a natural progression. While certain circumstances, like trauma, can skew this development, overall humans have the capacity to do the same thing. As we build trust with other people, we may begin to feel safer in sharing information, spending more time together, or feeling comfortable being physically close. 

There are still times when our two cats get into minor fights or seem to be sick of each other, so one will leave the room or move farther away. Depending on the day they may be excited to be around each other or keep their distance. Cats teach us boundaries are flexible, even with people we know and trust. If you’re ever feeling deeply uncomfortable, unsafe, or ready to be done somewhere—you can leave! If yesterday you felt ok doing something and today you don’t, you don’t have to do it. You can change your mind. 

The topic of boundaries can feel complex, intimidating, or confusing at times, but establishing boundaries is something you are designed to do and therefore capable of doing!  Nobody is entitled to your time, personal information, or emotional energy. Channel your inner cat and remember that!  

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Grateful But Grieving

Growing up I spent a significant amount of time with my maternal grandparents. Christmas Eve at my grandparents house is in my top favorite childhood memories. It was filled with cousins, delicious food, laughs and just an overwhelming sense of warmth. I have since lost both of my grandparents over 10 years ago and I still grieve them and it is magnified each holiday. In recent years I have also lost various family members including siblings, Aunts, and Uncles and I am learning that time doesn't heal the pain associated with a loss. 

Holiday months are in full swing and your social media is probably flooded with “grateful” posts through November and matching Christmas pajama photos through December. Holidays can make grief bigger and can remind us that no matter how much time has past that it is still there. Grief is the normal and natural emotional reaction to loss or change of any kind. Grief is not exclusive to death and dying, but that loss can include death, loss of relationship (divorce or breakup), loss of friendships, medical diagnosis, etc. Grief is a fickle thing and you may experience unexpected emotions including anger, guilt, remorse, shock and profound sadness. All of these are valid. 

Elisabeth Kugler-Ross, a Swiss psychiatrist who pioneered the studies of death and dying developed the Five Stages of Grief. These steps are not linear and are not a way to “fix” your grief. You may not experience all stages and you may experience none. 

Denial: First line of defense. You think “This is not real, this is not happening”. You feel numbness or shock temporarily to deal with the overwhelming emotions that are flooding in. 

Anger: Reality and pain has hit. You are experiencing anger out of frustration or feeling helpless/hopeless. Anger may be directed toward others, a higher power, or at life feeling unfair. Anger towards the person that died or left is natural, too.

Bargaining: “If only… and “What if…”. You dwell on what you could have done to prevent the loss. 

Depression: Deep sadness settles in. You begin to reflect and understand the effect the loss has on your life. Changes in sleep and appetite may happen in this stage.  

Acceptance: Moving forward. You begin to accept the reality of the loss and that it cannot be changed. All feelings still valid in this stage. Acceptance does not mean forgetting and/or no longer feeling. 

Grief is multi-dimensional, and often includes emotional, physiological, social and spiritual reactions. Grief is not just about the actual loss and change, but also learning to live in a world with this loss. A connection with a certain person or memory does not disappear. There is no handbook on how to grieve during the holiday, however there are several ways to honor yourself and your grief. 

 - Accept the grief as it is. Grief is normal - it is part of healing. Allowing yourself to feel the grief will ultimately be better for healing than numbing it. Allow time and space for yourself.

- Give yourself permission to talk about it. It may seem like holidays are not a time to bring up loss, however, resist societal messages that limit, compartmentalize and minimize your grief.

- Set boundaries for yourself. If facing family or friends around the holidays maxes out your emotional capacity - choose to stay home or create your own holiday happiness. 

- Create new ways to honor the holidays with the loss and create new traditions that make sense to you. You can also alter old traditions and make them fit better with the new phase in your life.

- If your emotional capacity allows it, support others in expressing their grief - lean into it.  

Maybe this year you are grieving the death of loved one, maybe you are grieving the family you wish you had, or the family that is divided due to divorce. Maybe you are learning to navigate the holidays during a breakup, or recently lost a pet. 

Grateful but sad

Grateful but hurting

Grateful but frustrated

Grateful but disappointed 

Grateful but angry 

Grateful but healing 

Grateful but grieving

All of this is okay. 

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Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

Unconditional self-worth – is it possible?

What we think, feel, and believe about ourselves contributes to our self-worth, or how much we value ourselves. Our internal dialogue is the little voice in our head that comments on our life, abilities, and image. Internal dialogue is part of what makes us human and plays into our ability to reason and think about situations. This internal dialogue can be helpful and unhelpful – especially when it comes to self-worth.

Self-worth means you know that you are of value, that you are loveable and necessary to this life. Your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are intimately tied into how you view your worthiness and value as a human being.

Self-worth isn’t all or nothing. Having any level of self-worth means that you have at least some knowledge of value. However, we operate by confirmation bias. So, if you are inclined to feel worthless, your internal dialogue can reinforce this by thinking of all the reasons you aren’t worthy.

One way we determine our self-worth is by evaluating our abilities and performance in activities we deem valuable. Sometimes we reinforce worthlessness by using a yardstick to measure performance.

We use appearance to measure our self-worth. Am I pretty enough? Am I small enough?

We use material worth to measure our self-worth. Do I make enough money? Do I have enough?

We use careers to measure our self-worth. Am I successful enough? Am I achieving enough?

But, if self-worth is wrapped up in work, achievement, being enough, ambition - do you ever reach the finish line?

And, if self-worth is dependent on the condition of others’ approval, will you ever be enough to please everyone and anyone you interact with?

Here are other ways we tend to measure self-worth with a yardstick:

• To-do list

• Social media following

• Age

• How far you can run & how fast

• Dieting

• Grades

• Number of friends you have

• Relationship status

• Likes (social media likes & actual hobbies)

At the heart of it all – We often determine our worth based on conditions.

But, I’m here to argue that unconditional self-worth is achievable and helpful; however, you are the only one who determines your self-worth. If you believe you are worthy and valuable; you are worthy and valuable. And, well, even if you don’t believe it: you are still worthy & valuable.

So how do you develop unconditional self-worth?

First, you must become aware of your internal dialogue. Before you can manage any negative thoughts, you must know they exist. Give some space for the brain to become aware of what is happening by letting it wander. Notice where it goes, whether you tend to think positively or negatively, dominant time orientation (past, present, or future), and your motivation. When you notice your inner critic start to fire up, make it pause for a moment. Ask yourself whether the voice has any basis in fact and whether it’s something you need to know – if none of these are true, feel free to tell that little voice to pipe down.

For more specific activities, ideas, interventions, meet with a therapist!

Whether you believe this right now or not – you are worthy unconditionally.

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Check us out on instagram ( @mindfulcounseling)

for even more tools, tips, and education from our licensed therapists.

Ready to dive deeper?

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Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

What Happened To You REALLY Happened To You

The concept of gaslighting seemed to enter our collective vocabulary a few years ago, and, since that time, has become ubiquitous. Most specifically, the concept of gaslighting is regularly discussed in a variety of settings in the state where we practice. I’ve heard a lot of definitions of gaslighting and not always do I feel that they are accurate or the resolution adequate.

A fable by Carmen Maria Machado, that served as the intro for a “This American Life” episode about Mormon Bishop Interviews (TW: sexual shame) has become my “go-to” when explaining gaslighting to my clients. It has proved immensely useful for those who doubt if what they are feeling — the shame, the fear, the anxiety, but also the passive-aggression, the judgment, the backbiting, and especially the harm of life in this community — is real. 

I want to include the entirety of the story that was paraphrased in that podcast episode, because of how illustrative it is in describing what gaslighting feels like in the body. 

Of all the stories I know about mothers, this one is the most real. A young American girl is visiting Paris with her mother when the woman begins to feel ill. They decide to check into a hotel for a few days so the mother can rest, and the daughter calls for a doctor to assess her.

After a brief examination, the doctor tells the daughter that all her mother needs is some medicine. He takes the daughter to a taxi, gives the driver directions in French, and explains to the girl that, at his home, his wife will give her the appropriate remedy. They drive and drive for a very long time, and when the girl arrives, she is frustrated by the unbearable slowness of this doctor’s wife, who meticulously assembles the pills from powder. When she gets back into the taxi, the driver meanders down the streets, sometimes doubling back on the same avenue. The girl gets out of the taxi to return to the hotel on foot. When she finally arrives, the hotel clerk tells her that he has never seen her before. When she runs up to the room where her mother had been resting, she finds the walls a different colour, the furnishings different than her memory, and her mother nowhere in sight.

There are many endings to the story. In one of them, the girl is gloriously persistent and certain, renting a room nearby and staking out the hotel, eventually seducing a young man who works in the laundry and discovering the truth: that her mother had died of a contagious and fatal disease, departing this plane shortly after the daughter was sent from the hotel by the doctor. To avoid a citywide panic, the staff removed and buried her body, repainted and furnished the room, and bribed all involved to deny that they had ever met the pair.

In another version of this story, the girl wanders the streets of Paris for years, believing that she is mad, that she invented her mother and her life with her mother in her own diseased mind. The daughter stumbles from hotel to hotel, confused and grieving, though for whom she cannot say.

I don’t need to tell you the moral of this story. I think you already know what it is.

If I were to summarize the entire point of this post in the form of an affirmation, it would be: “what happened to you really happened to you.” I meet with so many people who wonder if they are “crazy” for feeling the way they feel. The answer to that is overwhelmingly”no!”

If you or someone you love is dealing with the horrible experience of gaslighting, there are a few things that you can do:

1. You can reach out to a trusted love one to explain what is occurring and to get their grounding and objective perspective on the situation.

2. You can journal to help you not only sort through your emotions, but also to record as much detail of the situation as possible. This can help you remember specifics of the situation rather than getting lost in the perspective of others.

3. You can practice self-care techniques like meditation, breathing, exercise, dance, or yoga that serve as sources of grounding for you.

4. You can see one of our immensely talented and qualified mental health professionals who can help you learn how to trust yourself again, as how to heal from the effect of gaslighting, while learning how to set boundaries and be firm in your beliefs.

5. Lastly, you can repeat the following emotionally validating affirmations:

• What happened to me really did happen to me. 

• My experience is real and it is valid.

• I am not making this up.

• How I feel about what happened to me matters

• I am not alone - there are others who see what I see.

• There is hope and healing available to me

• There are so many willing to help me (including every one of us here at Mindful Counseling)

• I am loved, seen, valued, and valid. Always

Gaslighting is a hugely potent and tragically frequent form of emotional and religious abuse. For anyone who is working to heal from the effect of this gaslighting in their lives, please know that you are not alone, that you can heal from it’s effect in your life, and, ultimately, that what happened to you really happened to you.

References:

Glass, I., Sullivan, L. (2018). But that’s what happened. This American Life, episode 661. Retrieved from: https://www.thisamericanlife.org/661/but-thats-what-happened.

Machado, C. M. (2017). Her body and other stories. Graywolf Press. Retrieved from: https://granta.com/the-husband-stitch/ 

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Check us out on instagram ( @mindfulcounseling)

for even more tools, tips, and education from our licensed therapists.

Ready to dive deeper?

Meet with one of our counselors for individual, couples, adult, and family counseling.

Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

HOW TO BE YOU- a discussion on authenticity

From the moment you are born, you are subjected to prescriptions of what you should be, by your families, your church, your culture, your society and your media. It is no surprise that many people sign up for a life that is pitched and sold rather than explored and discovered. These prescriptions tell you what to eat, how to dress, where to work, whether or not to have children, who to date, and what is expected of you. If the prescriptions are taken without question, it is possible to feel stuck, unhappy and dreaming of a different kind of life. In order to live authentically, the prescriptions must run through your personal filter to figure out what really works for you and what does not.  

How to start:

1. What do you, personally value? All perceived expectations aside, what is actually important to you? 

Here is a list of values to get started:

Honesty

Authenticity

Creativity

Friendship

Connection

Adventure

Beauty

Faith

Knowledge

Love

Reputation

Loyalty

Kindness

Pleasure

Responsibility

Spirituality

Wealth

Success

Status

Peace

Work

Fun 

Humor

Community

Courage

Freedom

Diversity

Generosity

Charity

Health

Wellness

Productivity

Forgiveness

Affection

Career

Fame

Trust

Gratitude

Appreciation

Grace

Intuition

Power

Once you have your top values, think about what they mean to you. Do you live in accordance with them? If you value honesty do you live dishonestly, or surround yourself with people who are dishonest with you? If your life does not match your values, there is a chance you are experiencing some anxiety or depression around these values.  Your authentic self wants to be free. What is holding you back?

2. What are your boundaries?

In order to know who you are, you must know where you end and others begin. Your failures are not your parent’s failures. Your children’s successes are not yours. Your partner is their own person. Everyone must have room to be themselves, to make mistakes and to grow. In order to create boundaries, you must first figure out your own needs and advocate for those needs. When do you like to be involved? What topics do you want to avoid and with whom? What are you okay with and what is a hard no? Once you have ditched your prescriptions all of these are yours to decide, to customize personally for you. 

It is worth noting that creating and enforcing boundaries can be very difficult. Relationships where before there was no boundary, may become upset when a boundary is first established. It is possible that you will lose some relationships that were based off your less authentic self. This is a legitimate fear. But when you really start to live authentically, you will notice that you are attracting those who accept you for you, and some of your existing relationships may grow stronger now that they are more open, honest and respectful. 

3. What have you always wanted to do? 

Think of a handful of lifestyles, careers or hobbies that are interesting to you. If it didn’t matter at all what others thought of you, what would you do with your life? Would you present differently? How would you spend your time? Maybe you’ve wondered what it would be like to be an artist, or to travel or dye your hair pink. It takes courage and vulnerability to try something new. Start small and think what you could do today to experiment and validate your wants and needs. Trying new things keeps life interesting, and it is not too late!

The process of finding yourself and living authentically can be tricky and it is largely what is focused on in therapy. In order to follow your intuition, you must first learn to know yourself. Your ability to think critically and make your own decisions is your personal self-determination. It can be scary to start this process of differentiation, but your future self might be incredibly grateful. Also, it is totally possible that you find the prescriptions of society are working for you, and that is cool too! Either way, you do you. 

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Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

Reclamation of Self: How to Find Yourself Again After a Breakup

Neil Sedaka said it best in his 1962 Number 1 single, “Breaking Up is Hard to Do.” Thanks, Neil for your astute observation. Since the beginning of time—and long before Neil took to the stage—human beings have been getting into relationships, entanglements, partnerships, and arrangements of all sorts with one another. Inevitably though, as gravity would dictate, “What goes up must come down,” so not all of these pairings (or multi-pairings) end in a literal “’til death do us part.” And you know what? That’s just fine. So rarely are scorned lovers apt to put their heart under permanent lock and key, regardless of how poorly a relationship ends.

That’s the beauty of being human; our love for others isn’t finite and naturally, as social creatures, we eventually move onto (into, on top of, etc.) another partner. Therefore, my aim in writing this isn’t to teach people how to jump right into the next relationship. On the contrary, my focus is on providing a little guidance on how to enjoy your new-found partner-less life! Sounds scary? Great! “Livin’ your best life” as a “single and I wanna stay that way” (at least for a while) kind of person can be just as fulfilling as being the member of a twosome, threesome, whatever-some. Stay with me and let me show you the way!

Let me take you on a musical journey to jump into a relationship with YOU!

1. “Solo” by Esteman

The first step in rediscovering who you are is to come to terms with being on your own. As Esteman sings, you are now “solo” and maybe unlike the song says, your former lover hasn’t found someone new or lost their love for you. Regardless, your relationship has reached its end. Some people are great at finding a balance between their identity as an individual and their identity as the member of a partnership. Many people are not. Now that your relationship is over, the process of self-evaluation must take place. Ask yourself: Who am I? What do I enjoy doing? Can I still do what I enjoy without my former partner? Who are my closest friends? What brings me joy? What do I envision for my future? Sometimes the answers to these questions don’t appear right away, but they’re still worth asking. No doubt when you begin your journey of rediscovery, many more questions will arise. See this new stage of life as one brimming with new opportunities and exciting possibilities.

As you’re contemplating how to proceed in this new life stage, find a rhythm that moves you most authentically. Dance around (I highly recommend swinging those hips and spinning to your heart’s content), feel the music, and embrace the beginning of a new chapter.

These lyrics especially stuck out to me:

“En otra vida pude sentir otra verdad,

Pura sinceridad

Pero ahora, a falta de ello

Me llega la señal, vivir en libertad.”

(“In another life I could feel another

Truth, pure, and sincere

But now, in the absence of it

I arrive at the signal, to live in freedom.”)

2.“Soy Yo” by Bomba Estéreo (Another Spanish language song for you!)

Now that you’re on the path to coming to terms with being on your own again, let’s solidify how empowering that new freedom can be. I chose this song because it’s like a battle cry for self-love. So many of the lyrics capture the idea of embracing the person you are inside, which is crucial for self-discovery and to give your self-esteem a boost! These lyrics capture the journey we go through following a breakup (minus the failure part--simply because your relationship ends, that doesn’t mean that YOU are a failure or even that the relationship had no value or place in your life):

“Fracasé, me encontré, lo viví y aprendí

Cuando te pegas fuerte más profundo es el beat”

(“I failed, I found myself, I lived it and I

Learned from it

The harder you hit yourself the deeper is

The beat, yes.”)

It’s perfectly normal to still feel sadness, anger, disappointment, and every other emotion that we associate with loss because let’s face it—a breakup is a form of loss. Even if you feel like you’re fully on your way to “moving on,” not every day will be full of dancing and self-empowerment. Take it moment by moment and let yourself give in to shedding some tears when you need to or laughing until you’re crying. There is not one “right way” to exit a relationship. Your feelings are valid.

3. “Mirror” by Sigrid

In case you’re struggling with kicking your self-confidence into gear, this song by Sigrid might help you do just that. Sometimes we enter relationships with good intentions, but our mindset at the time just isn’t the best for welcoming a new person into our life and cultivating a partnership. Sigrid says it best:

“There was an emptiness

I think you met me at a strange time and you anchored me

I felt anonymous

And you were someone who reminded me who I used to be”

Now is the perfect time to truly develop self-confidence that might have been lacking even before your most recent relationship began. As Sigrid sings:

“I needed loneliness to know there’s nothing

that I can’t turn into confidence”

Here’s your chance! How do we grow self-confidence? Imagine your self-confidence is a gorgeous plant. If you don’t water it, give it proper sunlight and nutrients, it won’t grow. To cultivate confidence in yourself, consider the ingredients you need. 1) Positivity. Push negative thoughts out of your brain because all they do is kill your vibe. 2) Understanding. Like we heard in “Soy Yo,” we have to know who we are and love ourselves without fearing failure or criticism from others. 3) Kindness & Gratitude. Not only should we value and appreciate the people and experiences in our lives that propel us forward and bring us happiness, but we should also extend that kindness and gratitude to ourselves. 4) Initiative. This last step is the most difficult one because it forces us to act. We can’t gain confidence if we don’t try new things, meet new people, and challenge ourselves. Step outside of your comfort zone and you might be pleasantly surprised by what you discover!

Keep in mind that relationships end for different reasons and that there are no specific timeframes dictating how long we’ll need before we can move on, in whatever sense that may be. Take the amount of time that you need. Be mindful of what is best for you and put the effort into forming a beautiful relationship with yourself.

Here are some other songs to add to your “Reclamation” playlist. Enjoy!

1. “Give Your Love” by Da Break

2. “A Rose Is Still a Rose” by Aretha Franklin

3. “Keep Moving” by Jungle

4. “Why Can’t We” by Aṣa

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for even more tools, tips, and education from our licensed therapists.

Ready to dive deeper?

Meet with one of our licensed counselors for individual, couples, adult, and teen counseling.

Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

10 Tips For That Break Up

Ok before you go on a shopping binge, cut off your hair or get bangs you’ll regret later; just breathe for a second. Hear me out. When you're distressed, your body will either breathe faster (hyperventilate) or forget to breathe (shallow breaths). Neither of which are helpful right now because we need proper oxygen to our bodies if we’re going get through this. Ok? Ok. 

Endings are hard. Whether it was ending a long term relationship or that one situationship that was never actually defined. Whether someone ended it with you or you had to end it because you knew it had to (as much as you didn’t want to). Endings are hard. So here are some tips from a therapist:

1. Surround yourself with your people. As much as you want to isolate right now under the covers with the window blinds shut, maybe don’t. Reach out to your people (your closest and most positive relationships). The type of friends that will listen and love you unconditionally, but will also challenge the shit out of you right now. The type of friend who probably knew how this was going to end, warned you not to, and you still did; but still let you go through your process and is still there (without the “I told you so”). The type of friend that tells you to text her instead of sending that “miss you” text at 1am. You’re not alone. Find your supports.

2. Find 3 truths. In the midst of the confusion, grief, and distress find 3 undeniable truths in your life right now. 3 things that keep you anchored. You may not know a lot right now and might be doubting so much, but what are 3 things you know and are certain of at this moment?

3. Stack up on those sarcastic memes and reels. Because dark humor. According to the Mayo Clinic, laughter soothes tension and increases endorphins in your brain. Thank you @joeymorof and @matt_cama

4. Find that one thing your passionate about and do it right now. My best projects come from processing through creating. Find yours. Do it. Put all that emotion in it and see what you come up with.

5. Go outside. Whether that’s hiking with your black lab off the trail while you process in the quiet of the mountains or simply sit on your porch because that’s all the energy you had that day. Going outside helps by improving mood, lowering blood pressure, and reduces stress related hormones. Go outside.

6. 10 minutes. The best advice I ever got after my divorce was take it 10 minutes at a time. Because when someone tells you to “take it a day at a time” fuck that. They don’t know that behind the strong front your trying to put up, you can barely make it through the day. A day might be too long when you’re in complete distress. 10 minutes. When you’re in that emotion that is so consuming and think that you’re always going to feel this way, remember 10 minutes. In 10 minutes I might not feel completely great or better, but this emotion might not be as strong as it is right now.

7. Practice Radical Acceptance. It’s a DBT skill where we practice accepting what is and stop fighting or trying to control the reality of the situation. I don’t have to be ok with it or like it and it might not be fair, but overthinking it is only going to continue our cycle of suffering. Maybe that text meant more or maybe that look from across the crowded room over the weekend did mean something. AND, regardless, the situation is where it is. Sorry.

8. Have you tried an anger room? My girl at Axe N Smash in South Jordan knows! Probably the better alternative to going all Carrie Underwood on his Subaru. It’s literally a room where you go HAM and break/throw things. It’s wonderful. There is a difference between calming down the emotion and managing it vs needing to let it out. Identify the emotion and figure out if you need to calm it down or let it out! Then take the appropriate course of action from there.

9. Once you’re ready, journal what you learned. As much as you maybe can’t see it right now, there’s growth in the ending. Here are some prompts to get you started:

-If I knew how this would turn out, would I do it again? How come? 

-What did this relationship/person/situation bring up for me that still needs healing? 

-What would I say to this person openly and vulnerably right now? 

   10. Finally, can’t forget about that break up playlist when you want to get in your feels or need that boss up boost. Check out the one I made for this post!

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for even more tools, tips, and education from our licensed therapists.

Ready to dive deeper?

Meet with one of our licensed counselors for individual, couples, adult, and teen counseling.

Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

Open Letter to my LDS Neighbors

Mindful Counseling is located in the heart of “Happy Valley” Utah and it is no secret that the LDS

Church has a large influence in the state. Tiffany Roe and the Mindful Counseling therapists/

team members are striving to create a safe space for individuals experiencing a faith transition

regardless of what their personal journey looks like. If faith transition is new topic for you, please

be willing to sit back and listen (even if your knee jerk reaction is defensiveness).

In recent years as new generations emerge into adulthood, and in light of isolation forced by

COVID-19, there has been a shift, an awakening and individuals are choosing to step away

from the religion that runs so deep here. A wave of individuals referring to themselves as “Ex-

Mos" (Ex-Mormons). I want to first validate that questioning your faith and the taught doctrine is

a normal part of development, especially as you break away from your family of origin. We live

in tight-knit Mormon communities where neighbors see each other weekly at church and other

various church related activities. I (was) a multi-generational member of the Church of Latter

Day Saints, all my friends were mormon, the majority of my family members are mormon and

this was all I really knew [growing up]. Growing up in a small town, you get to know your

neighbors pretty closely. My best friend, who also lived next door, was not a member of the LDS

church and it was no secret that their family was excluded in our neighborhood in many ways.

Oftentimes other children were not permitted to play with them, or to go to their house. They

were talked about at school and were singled out as the “non-mormon” family. This was my first

experience in questioning the church’s teachings as the disconnect and contradiction sent a

confusing message. On Sunday we were taught to love our neighbors, and on Monday we could

choose to single them out? Does this experience sound familiar?

The purpose of this post is not to villainize the LDS church and its members, but bring

awareness about the folks struggling with a faith transition in a state where you are often

excluded if you are not a member. As a therapist, I have a high number of individuals sit on my

couch with painstaking confusion about their faith and navigating how to raise a family in a place

where the Mormon culture is rampant. There is a strong intersectionality between shame and

the LDS religion and I think it is important to validate that pain and that experience for others. If

this topic causes defensiveness, I can understand and validate that too. The hope is to support

all experiences with the LDS church - whatever that may look like for you. Please read this letter

with an objective stance as all individuals have the right to choose whether their experiences

caused them suffering or not. It is crucial to validate all emotions, all experiences, and all pain.

With sincere vulnerability I write this:

Open Letter to my LDS neighbors

A common value we share in raising our children is kindness and altruism, but there is

an unspoken ache that has been lingering inside me for some time. As I entered into

motherhood I quickly realized the task of raising children to be empathic, kind, and accepting. I

am asking for your help - pleading with you, to talk with your children about inclusivity. By this, I

mean including my non-religious children being raised in your community. Please allow your

children to invite my children to birthday parties, night games, movie nights, and sleepovers.

Please allow our teenagers to go to dances together, to football games, to bon fire meetups,

and swig runs. As your children are always welcome in our home please allow my children to

come over to yours, and please allow your children to come to our home. It is important for you

to understand that just like you, my spouse and I are teaching inclusivity, kindness, empathy,

and vulnerability to our children. I need your help in supporting your children in having open,

transparent conversations about accepting others just as they are - and I will support mine.

Please do not push my child to join church activities and I will not push your children to

question their faith. Do not let my child’s disinterest in attending young men/women activities,

attending firesides, seminary or church stop your children from including them in other activities.

To be young, where your foremost objective is to be accepted for who you are - pretending to be

someone else for the sake of being accepted can be hurtful. This is especially true during

crucial adolescent years where our children are consistently comparing themselves to their

peers. Sending the message that my children are “unacceptable” to play with, hang with, date,

or be best friends with can be painful for my child and yours. Families choosing to raise their

children outside of the LDS religion are still highlighting the importance of loving others. We are

still striving to raise happy, healthy, kind kids - the same way you are. Please know that I hold

your child and you as parents in high regard and I trust you know what is best for your children.

My child, your child, all children are worthy of love, acceptance and friendships regardless of

theology.

With all my love,

HaLee

My hope for Utah is not to eliminate the wholesome, family friendly quality of our communities,

but to allow for more inclusivity for individuals outside of the Latter Day Saints religion. If you are

a parent struggling with fear of social isolation while experiencing a faith transition - you are not

alone. You do not owe an explanation to your family, friends or neighbors. There is no timeline

or manual for this. I see you struggling. I see you questioning. I see you beginning to address

the deep rooted shame that comes with making decisions outside the church. I see you trying to

re-define your life and the disconnect you are feeling in your community. I see you trying to

gently raise the children in front of you while carrying the invisible heartache of choosing to

leave behind a piece of your identity.

Below I have included some useful resources for individuals looking for extra support and

community as they navigate a faith transition out of the LDS church.

Instagram:

@faithtransitiontherapy

@mindfulcounseling

@heytiffanyroe

@realandheal

@therapywithallison

@joedennis.counsels

@wholeandwelltherapy

@justjencope

@therapywithhope

@mylesqd

In person/Online:

Sunstone (More than one way to Mormonism)

Utah Valley Post Mormons

Mormon Spectrum Communities

Reddit ExMormon

Mormon Stories Podcast

Thoughtful Transitions

meetup.com

Mormon Mixed-Faith Marriages

Psychology Today - In person therapy

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Check us out on instagram ( @mindfulcounseling)

for even more tools, tips, and education from our licensed therapists.

Ready to dive deeper?

Meet with one of our licensed counselors for individual, couples, adult, and teen counseling.

Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

You Can't Logic Out of Trauma

Unpopular truth: trauma therapy needs more than talking

It’s actually even more dramatic than that. Talk therapy can work with trauma symptoms, but it won’t resolve the underlying traumatic memory.

To understand why this is, we first need to be clear on a few facts.

1.Talk therapy is an umbrella term used to describe a series of different approaches (CBT, REBT, DBT, ACT, psychoanalysis, etc.) that are based in the assumption that talking about something is needed in order to process and heal.

2.Talk therapy works primarily by activating the Prefrontal Cortex (PFC) which is responsible for logic, spatial recognition, problem solving, and consequential reasoning. This is why it focuses on reasoning, observing, and thinking through problems.

3.Traumatic memories directly impact the midbrain which is responsible for everything to do with survival: risk sensing, emotion, reaction (fight, flight, freeze, appease). The midbrain’s mission is to end pain quickly and increase relief as quickly as possible, and if it is heavily activated, it will shut down the PFC which has the side effect of stopping or slowing speech.

4.The midbrain is activated by connection with emotions, body, and movement. So approaches such as BSP, EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, Neurofeedback, Equine Therapy, and many others that emphasize a holistic approach (connecting with the body) tend to be more effective at activating the midbrain.

In order to effectively treat trauma, a therapist MUST address the trauma where it lives; the midbrain. You can think and logic all you want, but you are just going to activate the PFC. This split between logic and emotion is why someone with trauma can logically KNOW they are safe, but still not FEEL safe.

Don’t get me wrong, talk therapy builds the therapeutic relationship brilliantly and it provides fantastic tools that can be used to knock you out of the beginning of a panic attack or flashback. This said though, talk-based approaches don’t have a great track record for coping with trauma symptoms when you’re in the middle of them (see point 3). If you want more than just staving off symptoms and you want to heal their cause(s), you gotta use a more holistic approach.

Want my recommendation on how to do trauma therapy correctly? Start with talk therapy. Learn the techniques, build the relationship with your therapist, and practice. When you and your therapist are confident you know what you need to know, THEN get into healing that trauma with a technique like BSP (my favorite). The danger of starting off with trauma work or getting into it too quickly is that doing so increases the risk of re-traumatizing you or worsening trauma symptoms. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to work with clients to undo damage that other therapists caused from jumping in with EMDR too early in treatment.

If you can’t get into therapy just yet, connect with your body however you can. If this means practicing meditations and breathing, that’s a great place to start. This said, try getting into some form of enjoyable movement and practice noticing sensations and how they change as you adjust, bend, jump, throw, and stretch.

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Ready to dive deeper?

Meet with one of our licensed counselors for individual, couples, adult, and teen counseling.

Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

Letter to Abraham from Isaac's Therapist

Dear Abraham,

My name is Allison and I'm a therapist, who has been working with your son, Isaac for the last 5 months following his suicide attempt and hospitalization.

I'm happy to report that Isaac is doing much better with regard to his mental health and general stability. Isaac and I were meeting twice a week for the first 3 months of therapy but are now meeting weekly due to his successful trauma processing and overall recovery. While the objective of this letter is to discuss further communication between you and your son, due to the recent formal agreement between the prosecutor and your defense attorney, I am writing on behalf of Isaac.

Abraham, I want you to know that in order to get your son to an emotionally stable and safe place, we have had to do a lot of work in processing & dismantling the religious trauma he has experienced as a result of your family's religious affiliation and practices. While I believe that religion can motivate people to be selfless, charitable, and forgiving, I am in the position, as a Clinician, of frequently witnessing the severe and risk-associated mental health repercussions of religious orthodoxy in families, especially with regard to experienced depression, anxiety, and suicide attempts among children and adolescents in your church.

Isaac has told me about your ecclesiastical leadership position and how this may create difficulty in pursuing family therapy in the future. This, of course, is entirely up to you. Inviting you to family therapy is my main rationale in writing you this letter. Specifically, Isaac would like to discuss his experience with PTSD and trauma recovery from the day you took him to Mount Moriah. Isaac has done intense trauma processing about this day and about his observation of a parent choosing God & religion over his own life and safety. This is one of the more common topics, which gets brought up in my therapy room. Most of my Clients come to me with the emotional trauma associated with parents who choose God over loving their own children. I hope you can refrain from defensiveness as you read this letter and instead, try to empathetically understand the pain that Isaac is experiencing at this time.

I hope this letter finds you well and I hope you are receiving the best care and support at the hospital. Prior to my work with clients recovering from Religious Trauma, I actually worked at your Psychiatric Hospital and did therapy with patients who resided in your exact Forensic Unit. I have personally made arrangements with my good friends in the Hospital Administration to accommodate for family therapy as I believe this would be a very important time for Isaac to discuss what he has been through among other things he would like to say to you in an emotionally safe environment.

Please let me know how you feel about pursuing family therapy as I understand your psychiatric admission has been extended another 18 months due to your latest competency evaluation. Prior to your evaluated & ruled status of 'Competent to Proceed', and prior to your case moving forward, I strongly feel this potential family therapy session would greatly benefit both you and Isaac.

Parenting is truly the most difficult of all human responsibilities, Abraham. But please do not complicate or overthink the simple need your child has to be loved and protected.

I hope you choose to hear what your son has to say.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I hope you are well.

Sincerely,

Allison Shiffler, LCSW

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Ready to dive deeper?

Meet with one of our licensed counselors for individual, couples, adult, and teen counseling.

Counseling is available in-person in Provo, Utah and virtually, for all Utah residents.

Matresence: Mom Puberty

Matrescence: Mom Puberty

What is matrescence? And why haven’t we heard of it? 

Originally coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 70’s, and recently revived by psychologist Dr. Aurelie Athan, the term Matrescence refers to the passage of becoming a mother through “pre-conception, pregnancy and birth, surrogacy or adoption, to the postnatal period and beyond” (Athan, 2021). Matrescence can be compared to adolescence as it encompasses a multifaceted change including new developments in bio-psycho-social-political-spiritual spheres that continue throughout your lifetime (Athan, 2021). 

There are millions of new births per day in the US, meaning thousands of women enter matrescence daily, so you’d think the term matrescence would be more commonplace and understood. As with many other maternal and female issues, matrescence has not been studied in the medical field, a byproduct of systematic bias and patriarchy. Furthermore in the western world, once a child is born much of the attention goes to the baby and continuously on the child throughout their life; often ignoring the needs of the mother or only paying attention to her in relation to the child. 

Like most things when we can understand and name our experiences, they begin to be easier to navigate. To the mothers reading this, you are currently going through a lifelong developmental change—it is ok to feel overwhelmed by it, whether you’re one day or twenty-years into it. You are going through a continuous period of transformation and growth; there will be dissonance between the parts of yourself. This is normal. This is okay. I want to offer three suggestions to help you throughout matrescence. 

Take Up Space

When you become a mother, you do not have to become a martyr. Read that again. Motherhood does not equal martyrdom. Follow your career ambitions, seek new hobbies, go on trips by yourself or with friends, invest in therapy, connect with all parts of yourself. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TAKE UP SPACE. Your needs matter, get them met—even if it means putting yourself before your child or partner. It’s never too late or too soon to invest in yourself. 

Grow at Your Own Pace 

Matrescence is a developmental stage, means that each of us will grow and develop in our own ways and at our own rate. When I was newly pregnant, I was out at a store with my mom when we came upon a small child and his mother who appeared to be in a power struggle of sorts: kid pouting, and mom crouched at eye level trying to reason with him. I leaned to my mom saying, “I think I’m ready for this baby, but I’m not ready for that.” In her wisdom, 30+ years into matrescence, she replied “You grow with them. When she’s that old, you’ll be ready.” This idea of parallel growth can help normalize the challenges that continually present throughout matrescence. As they grow and develop, so do you. You don’t have to know it all right now. 

Give Yourself Grace

The pressures of maintaining and image or being a “Pinterest mom” create a lot of guilt and shame. Let’s combat that by offering ourselves and those around us grace. Challenge perfectionism, allow yourself to make mistakes, take a timeout when you need it, recognize the progress you ARE making, be a compassionate parent to yourself.  

As you, or those around you, walk through this period of matrescence I encourage you to normalize the struggle. The more we talk about these shared experiences, the less alone we feel in them. The challenges and changes one faces in matrescence are to be expected, just like any other developmental period in our lives. You are doing a great job. You are worth taking up space. We each grow at our own pace. You deserve to be given grace. 

Disclaimer: If you are within one year postpartum and are experiencing extreme impairment in day-to-day functioning, loss of pleasure in life, extreme feelings of guilt, or thoughts of harming yourself or your child; please seek therapeutic and medical support. 

References

Athan, A. (2021), What is Matrescence? www.matrescence.com 

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Demystifying Self-Compassion

The what and how of turning toward ourselves with kindness and support

When we are committed to working on our own healing, one of the most powerful—and challenging—things we can do is show ourselves compassion. As we explore old wounds to heal, or unhelpful patterns to address, we may see things in ourselves or in our past that make us want to cringe, shame and blame ourselves, or hide (preferably FAR away).

Compassion means “to suffer with,” and self-compassion is an essential piece of our healing, because our healing work requires us to bear witness to—then change our thoughts and beliefs about—our own experiences of pain, adversity, and/or trauma. Pema Chödrön wrote that “When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience the fear of our pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us [emphasis added].”

Self-compassion expert and researcher Kristen Neff explains that self-compassion has three key elements:

1. Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment

This looks like bringing warmth and understanding to our experiences of failure, suffering, or the excruciating feelings of not being enough.

2. Common humanity vs. Isolation

Acknowledging our common humanity is recognition that we aren’t the only ones experiencing failure, hardship, self-doubt, or suffering. We’re not the only ones screwing up, feeling dumb, or thinking we’ll be abandoned or rejected “if people knew” that one thing about us we think is the worst or weirdest. This is a normal part of the human experience. EVERYONE experiences these things, so they by nature can’t separate us from the rest of humanity. Only we can do that to ourselves. These experiences and thoughts and struggles are all a normal part of our shared humanity.

3. Mindfulness vs. Overidentification

We tend to overidentify with our thoughts and feelings. Overidentifying with emotion sounds like “I am mad” rather than mindful identification of the emotion: “I’m feeling mad about this.” Or believing that our thoughts about ourselves are capital T Truth, rather than conditioned responses passing through our awareness. These thoughts we identify as truth are a result of conditioning and messaging we are immersed in through interactions with (even well-meaning) family members, church people, teachers, neighbors, and friends (not to mention advertisements, television, music, movies, social media, and… you know... capitalistic, patriarchal, misogynistic, and racist institutions that hold disproportionate power in all areas of society. That’s a whole blog post on its own, but it’s important to remember that our thoughts and feelings don’t exist in a vacuum).

Mindfulness regarding our thoughts and feelings is allowing them to be what they are and approaching them with openness and curiosity while trying to release criticism and self-reproach. It means allowing them to show up as they are, according to Dr. Neff, “taking a balanced approach so [they are] neither suppressed nor exaggerated.” If you’re angry, for example, recognize and honor what you’re feeling; remember that the anger you feel is communicating useful information to you that can help you heal, recognize and honor your needs, and identify your boundaries. Don’t fight the emotion, but don’t crawl inside it and set up your home base there, either (you get me?). Pema Chödrön says it pretty succinctly: “You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.”

To show ourselves compassion, we can start with acceptance.

Self-acceptance says “this is what and who and how I am (or how they are/the world is/the situation is) currently. This is the unfiltered reality.”

Self-acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean we’re proud of everything we’ve done or that we don’t see ways we can continue to grow and change. It says “this is where things stand at the moment” without judgment. It means acknowledging, rather than fighting against, the truth of our current reality, circumstances, and capacity.

This can be painful because it requires us to take an honest, unfiltered look at ourselves and acknowledge the thoughts, feelings, beliefs, traumas, or memories we’ve been trying to avoid. I think that’s what Chödrön is getting at when she talks about moving toward what scares us. What scares us within ourselves can feel daunting and impossible to overcome.

But the beauty of self-compassion is this: once we accept ourselves for who we are, and our circumstances and capacity for what they are, we can then say “and it’s okay.” Then we have an accurate frame of reference to work with. We have a realistic sense of where we are and a starting point for getting to where we’d like to be.

If what we’ve been trying to run from is the pain of believing we’re not good enough because we’re not perfect, then turning inward and acknowledging “I am not perfect” can be terrifying. And if we just stop there, then yeah... that’s going to suck. A LOT.

But the key is that with self-compassion we can say, “I’m not perfect. And it’s okay. No one is perfect, that’s part of the human condition. Everyone feels this way sometimes. I’ve made mistakes, and that’s part of what it means to be human.” or “Everyone makes mistakes, including everyone I know and love. I can forgive myself and others. I’m doing my best and learning more every day so I can show up for myself and others the way I want to.”

If self-compassion for our current self feels out of reach, we can consider an inner child approach. As a loving, warm adult presence, we can show up for our inner child and bear witness to the suffering we experienced, mistakes we made, and harm we may have caused in the past—and do so with a caring and empathic presence, letting go of judgment and criticism.

So, rather than showing up in these moments and giving energy to shame, blame, or embarrassment, let’s try some self-compassion and show up with warm and caring energy.

And as Pema Chödrön (why, yes, I DO love her, why do you ask?) so eloquently reminds us:

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.”

We can’t show up for our people with compassion for their complexity, feelings, and experiences unless we have first shown up for ourselves with compassion. So start with showing up for yourself with self-kindness, recognition of your common humanity, and mindfulness. It’s not easy. It will take effort. But it is so powerful. So healing. And SO worth it. I know you can do it.

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10 Actions of Effective Allies

This topic is going to cause some discomfort. Discomfort is okay. This is urgent. 

“Daring Leaders are never silent about hard things” - Brene Brown

I have erased and written this post a million times, stuck between passion and privilege. The need to feel comfortable is a privilege (Hi. I’m white.) - so here I am. Imagine being in a situation where someone is being blatantly hurt, bullied or mistreated. Naturally most of us want to step in and stop it. We want to speak up, we want to stand up - yet selfish behaviors are also abundant in society and altruism is governed by social norms and relationships.  In recent events surrounding police brutality and excessive force/violence against the Black community, emotions are high and they are strong. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, hopeless, helpless and wonder: “What can I do?” Simply chanting “Black Lives Matter” is not/will not be enough. There has been a shift, an awakening. There is a social justice uprising happening throughout our nation and are we truly being held accountable for our role in systemic oppression? It is time for the Black community to lead this fight. There is suffering as they are forced to justify their experiences and scream soul crying pleas loud enough that their voices are heard. 

I have often wondered, and I am hoping this is the case for some of you “how can we practice genuine and effective allyship?” Here are some ideas presented to me from various members of the Black community. 

1. Sit down. Listen.

2. Examine your privilege and how this has played a role in racial inequality, microaggressions, implicit bias, and systemic oppression.

3. Become aware and take responsibility for the role you have played (and probably still unknowingly play) in allowing racism to continue.

4. Temper your instinctive reaction to insert self-experience (“I've been there too…”). It reduces what you're learning about a black individual's story and experience.

5. Stay motivated to never remain silent again about things that are unjust, unfair and harmful to humanity.

6. Educate yourself on the history of racism. Read up on the Civil Rights Movement, History of Slavery, Racial inequalities within our healthcare, housing and criminal justice systems.

7. Repost educational information to continue the conversation. This is not just about posting your “allyship” on social media, this is not about your reputation or image.

8. Have hard, empathic, and truthful conversations with your partner, children, family members, co-workers, faith members, etc.

9. Write letters to representatives in your state to demand police accountability and resolve misconduct.

10. DON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS. DON’T STOP FIGHTING FOR THIS.

Gear up for a long ride. This is work that will not be done in the next month, or year, or 5 years. It is never too late to have a different perspective and say: “Maybe I don’t know what it is like to be Black in America, maybe I was taught wrong. We can ask ourselves: “Is this my time to listen?” “Am I willing to do the hard work and stop postponing my compassion?” “How will I truly and genuinely demonstrate that I am listening?” Action becomes a living declaration regarding what we heard actually matters. 

This is for humanity. This is for us. This is for:

Daunte Wright

George Floyd

Breonna Taylor

Tamir Rice

Sandra Bland

Eric Garner

Trayvon Martin

Ronell Foster

Stephon Clark

Darrien Hunt

Kalief Browder

Nathaniel Harris Pickett

….and MILLIONS of others who need us. Black Lives Matter. 

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4 Common Myths About Empathy

Empathy is an important skill in life and in romantic relationships. The developed skill of empathy unlocks your potential to validate, understand, and accept others. When I’ve seen empathy genuinely applied-- it repairs many wounds and nourishes connection. I have also seen partners misunderstand how to be empathetic, resulting in hurt feelings and harbored resentment. To avoid these pitfalls-- I’d like to share with you the four most common myths about empathy: 

Myth 1) If you empathize with someone-- you are agreeing with them: This is a difficult script to rewrite and potentially the most common one I see. You DO NOT have to agree with someone to empathize with them. If your partner is upset and you do not agree with their position or that they should feel upset, you can still identify what your partner is feeling. You may be resistant at first, but take a moment to recognize that even if you don’t agree, you can still understand where they are coming from. By showing your partner that you understand their position and why they are feeling the way that they are-- you are building the connection needed to heal and move forward. You do not have to agree with someone to empathize with them. 

Myth 2) Experience is required to empathize with someone’s situation or feelings: False! Think about it logically for a moment-- how can you, with the one life you are living, understand what anyone or everyone else has been through if you have never lived their exact life? It’s impossible to experience the same event as someone else and it is not necessary to be able to understand what someone has been through. When you take the time to listen with compassion, openness and without any objective, you will be able to feel what others have gone through. Save yourself some time, cut yourself some slack, and don’t expect to be able to relate to everyone through having the same experiences. Just relate to others by listening, feeling, and understanding. 

Myth 3) Sympathy and empathy are interchangeable and have the same result: Just writing that sentence I feel like Brené Brown herself is going to appear through my screen and correct me. If you haven’t seen it yet please check out her video on Empathy vs. Sympathy. In it, she gives a clear and relatable depiction of Empathy vs. Sympathy. She describes how empathy is connecting with something inside yourself that connects with the pain someone else is feeling. Empathy is about feeling. Sympathy is about “silver lining it”. Empathy is to sit in the dark, heavy emotion with someone knowing there is nothing you can say to take it away, but that you are there to feel it with them. The two are very different expressions with very different outcomes. 

Myth 4) Empathy is putting yourself in someone else's shoes: This is one of the most common responses I hear in couples therapy; “Well, if I was in your shoes, and this was happening to me, I wouldn’t be feeling that way.” Sometimes I want to stand up and exclaim that you aren’t in their shoes at this very moment and you aren’t feeling this way! If you were in their shoes you wouldn’t experience the same thing because you’re different people! This doesn’t mean that you can’t understand and validate where your partner is coming from. Empathy is not conditional on whether you would feel the same in their shoes. Instead of using this response, hold your partner and tell them that you are here for them and you will hold space for their

thoughts and emotions. Remove the focus from what you would do, and focus on what they are presently experiencing. 

As you practice developing empathy, I encourage you to be in touch with your emotions. It is okay to feel uncomfortable while practicing empathy. You will not be perfect at first and it’s okay to not get it right every time. Know that every effort you make to empathize with your partner will have a positive impact on your relationship.

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You Deserve More

This is a heavy, heavy, topic. Before you read on, please make sure you're in a good headspace, well fed, and well hydrated.

Part of what makes abuse so tough to get out of is because the abuser is intentional, veiled, calculated, and strategic to make sure the abuse goes unchecked. Not to mention, the abuser is usually someone you have developed a deep relationship and rapport with - hence why we run when we're being robbed in the street but stay when someone distorts our reality.

Abusers hone in on your greatest insecurities - lack of friends, lack of education, mental health, faith (!), employment, family... anything important to you. The goal is to get you to stay. The goal is to get you to submit. The goal is to get you small. They sound like pretty heartless shell-of-people humans right? Not really.

Here's what's hard - abusers have the capacity to care. They have the capacity/capability to make you happier than you've ever been. They make you feel like you are finally "seen". So no, they're not these raging monster humans. But a hard truth to sit with is that the niceness/kindness/generosity/thoughtfulness is part of the greater objective: keep you.

I've attached what's called the power and control wheel. We therapists use it a lot to help victims of abuse identify that they are stuck in the orbit of an abuser. Yes it's hard to read through. Yes you cringe when you think of someone saying this to you. Yes it's hard to sit with. And yes, it's happening in our community.

If you are in a relationship with someone, whether by choice or by familial ties, they may say things to you like:

• "You're a crazy bitch!"

• "Maybe I wouldn't think about leaving you if you'd fix your problems"

• "I don't want you talking to ______. They're not a good influence."

• "I only said that because you drove me to that point!"

• "This is all your fault!"

• "Your job is to take care of our kids. If you get a job, it's like you don't care about our kids."

• "You're living in my house - I can kick you out anytime"

• "You do one more thing like this I'm taking _____ (kids or pets) and leaving"

• "Fuck you!"

• "I will kill myself if you keep going like this. Then how will you feel?"

• "You are being so dramatic, I didn't even hurt you that bad"

• "Go tell mom that I'm mad at her"

• "I'm going to call DCFS and tell them how shitty you are"

• "You should be embarrassed for yourself"

• "I've had sex with girls/guys so much more attractive than you"

• "It's my paycheck and I don't want you using my money unless I give it to you first"

• "Other people have told me that you should be grateful I'm even with you considering how you've been"

• "I wish you would just be grateful for everything I do for you!"

This list could (devastatingly) go on and on and on. Combine this kind of communication with the kindness that an abuser can exhibit, talk about mental gymnastics.

Please please please put yourself first. No one should be swearing at you. No one should be threatening to cut your finances. No one should be threatening to leave you. No one should be screaming at you. No one should be shoving/hitting/punching/burning you.

YOU DESERVE MORE.

For more info: https://www.udvc.org/ and https://www.thehotline.org

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You Can't Please Everyone

It’s true: You can’t please everyone all the time and trying to not only betrays yourself and your needs, but often creates more problems than it solves. Sometimes we think that it’s better if we don’t express our needs or feelings. We don’t want to bother anyone or we don’t want to create waves. However, this is often negatively impacting us or those around us, even if we’re not aware of it. It seems to be effective on the surface, but underneath things are bubbling and brewing. 

Trying to please everyone creates feelings of resentment, not just in you, but in others around you. If you’re not honest and open about your feelings and needs, others don’t know where you stand with them and they don’t know how to help you meet your needs. This can create feelings of resentment in you because you’re constantly putting others’ needs above your own and your needs are not getting met consistently. These feelings of resentment also hurt those we care about and can damage relationships. 

For example, you might let a friend choose what movie to watch every time you get together, even though they often want to see movies that you don’t. On the surface, it seems like you are easy-going and are enjoying this time together as much as they are. However, under the surface, you’re beginning to feel resentful about the time and money that you’re spending on seeing movies that you’re not that interested in. As the resentment builds, you might decide to spend less time with this friend or even end the friendship because you’re concerned about the lost time and money spent on things you’re not enjoying very much. Or, you might find yourself complaining to another friend that this certain friend “always chooses the movie they want to see” and you rarely get to see something you would enjoy. This friend decides to tell your other friend what you said about them and then they feel hurt and betrayed that you didn’t come to them instead of talking to someone else about it. Additionally, when we gossip about others in this way, those with whom we are gossiping begin to wonder if we feel the same about them, but aren’t being honest with them about our feelings and needs, and are gossiping about them behind their back as well. Their trust in you is undermined because they can’t trust that you will go to them with your feelings and needs. They may feel a need to distance themselves from you to protect themselves from getting hurt by you. 

While you think that you are being nice and accommodating by putting others’ needs above your own and not expressing difficult emotions, others may see you as someone they can’t trust, who gossips about them and is full of resentment. We end up being the opposite of the kind, compassionate person we want to be. Speaking up and being honest about your feelings and needs make you MORE compassionate, not less. 

For these reasons, it’s important that we are open and honest about our feelings and needs with those around us. Even though it’s a small thing, it’s important to speak up and tell your friend that you’re not that interested in seeing that movie. You might justify not speaking up because you care about your friend and you tell yourself that just spending time with them is enjoyable enough for you and the movie doesn’t matter. However, when this happens consistently and you notice feelings of resentment, it’s a sign that you need to speak up. Little resentments build into bigger ones. Resentment is the biggest contributor of divorce. Resentment destroys relationships. Your feelings MATTER, big or small. They have a greater impact on you and those around you than you might realize. It’s important to speak up and let others know how you’re feeling and what your preferences, desires, and needs are. 

It’s easy for me to say all this, but it can be a real challenge for some of us. For those who have grown up in chaotic households, being able to identify their own feelings and needs might be something they never learned. Accepting our feelings and needs without judgment can be another barrier to overcome. Learning how to be assertive and speaking up about our feelings and needs when we DO recognize and accept them can be intimidating. Setting and communicating boundaries is difficult. All these skills are intertwined and are needed to have healthy communication and relationships. A trained therapist can help you learn these skills and help you get your needs met more consistently, which in turn improves your relationships. If you find that you identify with any of these struggles or concerns, I encourage you to reach out and get support. It is possible to learn these skills and to have a more rewarding, fulfilling life and relationships.

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