The Social Clock

Lifespan development series continues. Im covering key topics from the lifespan that impact mental health.

You’ve heard of the biological clock, but the social clock also impacts us all. The social clock is a culturally defined timeline for social milestones. Think first job, marriage, having a child, graduating from college, buying a home, retiring, etc.

How is this impactful? The research shows people who fall in line with the social clock have less negative impact than those who don’t. Following the social clock lends to confidence and self-esteem. (It’s all “achievement” based and isn’t real self-worth btw).

What age do you ‘think’ you’re “supposed” to be married? I live in Utah, the state with the lowest marriage age. I REGULARLY hear about the PRESSURE AND SHAME experienced from folks feeling “too old” and single.

What if you don’t hit the social clocks timing? Typically we see this culturally constructed expectation lead to shame, guilt, comparison, depression & anxiety, and feeling like a failure.

This also causes generational disconnect, as social clocks differ between generations and cultures. The “shoulds” hurt us.

The social clock isn’t truth (it’s literally culturally constructed and changes). DO NOT let the comparison determine your value or worthiness.

A key component of longevity and health is resilience and optimism, which I’ll talk about later. Practice mindful acceptance, reflection, and honest evaluation of YOUR PERSONAL life goals. Don’t let the social clock tell you you’re less than. Some things we can control, like applying to jobs or working toward graduation. But that doesn’t guarantee the arbitrary age cutoffs will line up with our particular life circumstances.

The social clock is an issue of privilege and socioeconomic status in so many ways! Purchasing a home? Financial independence? Getting pregnant (which costs a lot of us tens of thousands of dollars on top of reproductive technologies and even getting access based on body size).

The social clock is so narrow. Humans love predictability and control. The social clock isn’t a worth measure, lining up with it doesn’t define you!

20 Things Not To Say To People With Depression

Whether you believe these are true/helpful or not, they are not helpful statements in response to someone struggling with depression (even if some of the statements include helpful suggestions for some!) They lead to stigma, they can unintentionally blame the person for suffering, they display a lack of understanding and empathy, and they focus on fixing instead of holding space for someone’s experience. They are invalidating and focused on platitudes. Avoid comments like these:

“Just be positive.”
“Don’t be negative.”
“Have you tried cutting dairy?”
“Depression is a choice.”
“You just need to heal your gut.”
“You should exercise more.”
“Try tanning!”
“You’re manifesting what you focus on.”
“Using meds is a crutch.”
“You need to pray more.”
“You should be able to deal with this on your own.”
“Happiness is a choice!”
“You have such a good life, why are you depressed?”
“Suicidal thoughts are selfish.”
“You need to get out of the house more.”
“I cut gluten and it healed my depression, you should too!”
“Stop being a victim.”
“Have more faith.”
“Change your life circumstances and you’ll fix your depression (leave job, get married, have a child, etc).”
“Therapy is for crazy people.”

Again, if something here was helpful for you, that doesn’t mean it’s helpful for someone else. We risk shaming folks who are dealing with a chronic and debilitating mental illness that is NOT A CHOICE. We also risk perpetuating the stigma of mental illness as being a choice when we focus on lifestyle fixes alone. That’s not to say some of these may be useful, but perhaps it is time to add more validation and allow people to struggle instead of always trying to remove discomfort. People need permission to feel. They need validation. They need nonjudgmental safe relationships. ➡️ What would you add to the list??

(Side note: Of course we all say the wrong things sometimes. We all blow it. But if we can’t discuss education and spread empathy for mental illness, we will never improve our support. Here’s to knowing better and doing better!)

Therapy and tacos for all,

T. Roe